Express Delivery
by Mikmo-Eonic
Summary: A lonely boy orders a crap load of Hetalia units. Hilarity, wombats, and arson ensue.
1. Delivery

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Hetalia or any of the characters. Only Mikeru/Miku-chan(o).  
**  
This is just going to be a series of one-shots about my house after ordering a series of Hetalia 'units'. Maybe. I dunno. Perhaps it'll just be absolutely random drabble about nothing. I will say now that I have little to no knowledge of how these 'Hetalia Units/Robots' work - only that I've been dying to do a funny little fanfic involving them. Also, there will be some Nyotalia! involved.

**ALSO:** _If you are looking for a well-thought-out storyline; perfect ICness; 100% perfect spelling/grammar; seriousness; etc. then don't read on. This is a semi-self-insert that I type up when I'm bored and it's entire purpose is to be goofy and stupid._

ENJOY! And review.

* * *

SHORT PROFILE OF MIKU-CHAN

**Name:** Mikeru Cherunobuiri  
**Gender: **Male **  
****Age: **14  
**Hair: **shoulder length dark brown hair.  
**Eye Color: **greenish-amber

* * *

**[SOMEWHERE IN WISCONSIN]**

Mikeru Cherunobuiri sat in front of his computer, surfing the web, extremely bored. He yawned, and patted his pet hamster Bain on the head, feeling proud of the little Red Army uniform he'd created for the little guy, right down to the combat helmet. Mikeru was about to close out of the web browser, when something caught his eye.

'_Hetalia Units: 75% off! Everything must go! Order today!'_

"Hetalia?" he asked himself, clicking on the advertisement. Hetalia was his third favorite anime after Fooly Cooly and Elfen Lied.  
The page loaded, and he didn't really believe what he was seeing. Robots. Robots that supposedly looked and acted exactly like their fictional counterparts.  
"Impossible!" he exclaimed to himself, though still interested.  
But still - they were 75% off. The cheapest one was a 'Raivis Galante' unit for $2000.  
"Latvia? Nah...let's see..."  
He opened his PayPal account, and suddenly remembered a recent incident in which tens of thousands of dollars had been transferred to his account.  
"80,000 dollars..." he said. "Let's buy some units."  
He high-fived the hamster.

Several hours of silent decision making later, Mikeru had ordered the following units: Matthew Williams (Canada), Alfred F. Jones (America), Anya Braginskaya (fem!Russia), Chun-Yan Wang (fem!China), Feliciano Vargas (N. Italy), Francis Bonnefoy (France), and Vash Zwingli (Switzerland).  
He clicked 'Express Delivery'. Now he waited.

**[SEVERAL DAYS LATER]**

Mikeru returned home from school, wearing the usual Flecktarn camouflage military jacket, black jeans, and white t-shirt that said 'Souls: I Eat Them'. Waiting on his front porch were several very large packages. They could only be one thing.  
Mikeru squealed and dragged all 7 boxes into his living room, then, not bothering to read the instruction manuals first ripping the boxes open.  
All seven units woke up groggily, wriggling out of their boxes. Mikeru sat on his sofa, twitching excitedly. The first to make it out of his box was Alfred.  
"Dude...!" he exclaimed, "Where am I?"  
"Yeah..." a quiet voice said as Matthew stood up, "What's going on?"  
Anya yawned and stretched, seemingly okay with waking up in a strange place.  
"Whatever's going on, I hope there's pasta here!" Feliciano exclaimed, looking as dopey and happy as always.  
Vash clawed his way out of his box, violently thrashing and shouting German curses. "What the hell is going on?" he demanded.  
All of the 'nations' turned to face Mikeru, who was smiling in amazement.  
"You guys were bought by me, and I guess you'll be living with me from now on." Mikeru said happily.  
"Bought...?" Vash asked, sounding a little pissed.  
"Yeah. Whatever. It doesn't really matter now."  
Their programming immediately forced them to forget about it.  
"So, who are you?" Canada asked.  
"I'm Mikeru Cherunobuiri! But you can call me Miku-chan. I live here alone, since my parents moved to Hong Kong for business. I didn't want to leave though, so I live here. My friend Eri shows up every now and again and-"  
"Hey, dude, why isn't Chun waking up?" America asked.  
"Francis too..." Matthew added.  
Mikeru leaned over Francis and Chun's boxes, slightly confused. He dug out their manuals.  
"My FRANCIS BONNEFOY unit won't wake up..." he read. "Sing the French national anthem as poorly as possible...he will wake up and immediately begin correcting you."  
Mikeru stepped back, pulled out his phone, looked up the French national anthem, and started singing.  
"Allens enfants de la Patrie, le door de gloire est ar-"  
"Aretez-vous!" Francis shouted, shooting up from his box. "It's pronounce 'Allons', not 'Allens', and 'jour', not 'door'!"  
"Welcome to the world of the living, dude!" Mikeru exclaimed, patting Francis on the head and moving on to Chun, reading her manual.  
"Speak in Mandarin as poorly as possible..." he read.  
Mikeru leaned over Chun's box and proceeded to scream: "_Hēi! Chūn! Yǐjīng xǐingle!_"  
Chun shot up as well, shouting. "Zhè shì bù zhèngquè de fāngshì jiǎng pǔtōnghuà nǐ xīfāng shībài!"  
Noticing her surroundings, she shut up for a moment. The other units explained the situation to Francis and Chun, programming kicking in and instantly making them 'okay' with having been bought by some kid for friendship and fun.  
"So...what now?" Matthew asked.  
"Can we eat dinner?" Feliciano asked, jumping up and down happily.  
"How about we have some fun...?" Anya finally said, glaring evilly at Chun.  
"Dude, I'm with Feliciano." Alfred said, "Let's go out for some burgers, on me!"  
Alfred held up a card with the McDonalds logo on it and the word 'Unlimited' in glossy letters.  
"But I want some pasta!" Feliciano exclaimed.  
"I could go for some shchi." Anya said.  
"Why don't I go in the kitchen and make some escargot?" Francis offered.  
"No!" Chun exclaimed, "I'll make everyone some traditional Chinese cuisine!"  
"I could actually go for some French food." Vash added.  
"EVERYONE SHUT UP!" Mikeru screamed.  
It was time for their first challenge - DINNER.


	2. McDonalds

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Hetalia or any of the characters. Only Mikeru/Miku-chan(o).  
**  
Reviews, pwease! My Norge-Japanese Wisconsinite friend Eonic lives on them!  
BTW, I put waaay to much emphasis on nationality/heritage in my daily life.  
I've always been a little confused as the manga/anime iconography, but discovered the 'sweat-drops/sweat-dropping' portrays a large spectrum of emotions, such as embarrassment, annoyance-...well, you guys know that, I suppose. Whatevs. Wikipedia has a good article on it.

* * *

"Okay..." Mikeru said after everyone had shut up. "I suggest we go to McDonald's, because Alfred has an unlimited gift card there and it won't cost me any money."  
"YEAH!" Alfred shouted, throwing his fist in the air. "LET'S GO! Where's the car?"  
"Car?" Mikeru asked.  
"Yeah, you know. That awesome thing that you drive places."  
"I don't have a car."  
"Alfred..." Matthew said, "He's 14...he doesn't have a car."  
"Don't your parents have a car?" Alfred asked.  
Mikeru shook his head. "Nope. They sold it when they left for Hong Kong."  
"So let's take the bus." Chun suggested.  
"This town is so little - the closest thing we have to a bus service is the ambulance."  
"Then we walk." Vash said as-a-matter-of-factly, crossing his arms. "We should walk even if there is a bus."  
"What, why? Feliciano asked.  
"Because." Vash said, looking at Feliciano as if the Italian were a (more) complete moron. "We'd save almost TWO DOLLARS. _TWO_. _DOLLARS_."  
Everyone sweat-dropped a bit at Vash's frugality.  
"So...we walk!" Mikeru announced heading towards the front door.  
Francis, Feliciano, and Alfred all spontaneously groaned in protest.

**[ON THE WAY THERE]**

"So, this is your hometown, Mikeru?" Matthew asked, walking beside Mikeru, the others trailing along behind.  
"Who are you?" the small white bear in Matthew's arms asked, looking up at it's owner.  
"Who are you?" Mikeru asked, looking over at the bear.  
The two stopped walking and Mikeru had a staring contest with the bear for a moment, before it exclaimed excitedly, "I'm Kumajirou!"  
Several passerbys stopped and stared for a moment, muttering amongst themselves things like, "_That bear can talk...?"; "That's amazing!"; "That's freaky!"; "Has anyone seen my lint roller?".  
_"MOVE ALONG!" Mikeru shouted, brandishing a switchblade in one hand and a lighter in another.  
People began to disperse as the group began walking again.  
"What were you saying, Matthew?" Mikeru asked, looking up at the blonde.  
"I was saying...eh..." he looked away for a moment. "I'm sorry. I'm not used to people noticing me when I talk."  
Mikeru merely shrugged.  
"What's this town called again?"  
"Mabase." Mikeru stated, and began to walk backwards, hands in his pockets. "This side of town is mainly houses. The north end is mainly stores and restaurants, and there are a few factories on the west side."  
"I see, and-"

"WE'RE HERE!" Alfred practically screamed pushing past everybody and pointing enthusiastically to the yellow arches before them.  
"Oi!" Mikeru snapped, "Behave yourselves, children!"  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Alfred mumbled, waving Mikeru off, much to the latter's dismay.  
They entered the air conditioned fast-food joint, which reeked of grease and beef. Alfred ran up to the counter and immediately began spouting off his order.  
"I'll have twelve number twos, eight numbers sixes, twenty number twelves, three-"  
"Sir!" the cashier said, looking confused, annoyed, and worried all at once. "Slow down...I can we even..."  
She turned to one of the employees in back. "Hey, Roy, HOW MANY BURGERS WE GOT BACK THERE?"  
"A'HUNDRED AND TWENTY!" he shouted back.  
"Just enough..." she said, carefully punching Alfred's order into the cash register.  
"I'll have a number three to go!" Feliciano piped up.  
She stopped punching in the order and looked at the group with exasperation. "This isn't a group order...?"  
"Group? Hell no." Alfred answered with a smile.  
She sighed. "That'll be 630 dollars and 42 cents."  
Alfred handed her his card and awaited his order.

Twenty seconds later:  
"What the hell?" someone in back shouted as the smell of smoke filled the air.  
The fire alarm began blaring as the sprinkler kicked in.  
"It's not going out!"  
"It's a grease fire, idiot!"  
"It's all the idiot who order 600 dollars of burger's fault! The oven's can't handle it!"

Mikeru grabbed both Matthew and Feliciano by the wrist and tugged them out of the restaurant as Vash, Anya, and Chun restrained Alfred and carried him out by force, Francis laughing behind them. Several seconds later, the roof of the McDonald's collapsed, and sirens were heard in the distance.  
"What the heck is going on here?" a police officer demanded, skidding to a stop.  
Mikeru looked at him blankly for a moment before simply taking his hands from his pockets and screaming, "BOOK IT!" at the top of his lungs. Him and the gaggle of nations took off running at full speed, a ticked off policeman shouting at them to stop.


	3. Logistics

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Hetalia or any of the characters. Only Mikeru/Miku-chan(o). The Tik Tok parody sung belongs to Midnight Beast.  
**  
I own nothing. I'm thinking that the rest of what I type in this 'story' is just going to be a crapload of oneshots. Also, I suck at writing characters totally in-character, so I apologize for the OOCness that will probably follow in this and later chapters, as well as previous ones. I think this to going to progress as 'omg we're all friends now'. Or something. I dunno.

*picks up Finland and walks out of the room*

"..."

*tazes the nearest person who points out that Finland is a guy*

Anyways, here's the basic layout of Mikeru's house.

_The first floor consists of a spacious kitchen which is connect directly to a small dining room, which in turn leads to a large living room with two sofas, a large television, a bookshelf stocked with books, and a variety of other things to entertain someone. These three rooms are all connected and form one half of the first floor. The other half is a wide hallway with a bathroom off to the side. The second floor, which is reached by going up some stairs in the wide hallway, and is home to all of the bedrooms - four in total, with two bathrooms and a long hallway connecting it all. The basement serves as a storage area, and consists of many different interconnecting rooms, forming a labyrinth of sorts. Mikeru thinks it's haunted, so he never goes down there. The attic is home to Mikeru's weapons cache, workshop, and among other things, a WWII artillery piece._

ENJOY! And review.

* * *

Everyone had run quickly back to Mikeru's house, everyone but Alfred and Anya freaking out about burning down the McDonald's. As soon as everyone was through the door and in the dining room, Alfred punched Vash in the jaw, made a break for the door, and was promptly judo-flipped by Chun. While on the ground, Anya loomed over him menacingly, letting out a disturbing sound similar to 'kolkolkol'.

Matthew cleared his throat and helped his big brother up as Vash drew a pistol from seemingly nowhere.  
"You'll pay for that!" he shouted, pulling the trigger.  
America winced slightly as a rubber bullet flew from the gun and struck him in the stomach.  
"What?" Vash shouted, looking incredulously at the gun. "Rubber bullets? What the-"  
"Your Vash Zwingli unit comes with two Heckler & Koch USP handguns with 30 rounds of ammunition, as well as one HK 43 rifle with no rubber ammunition." Mikeru read very loudly from the couch in the living room, upside down with his hair somehow staying in it's usual position.  
"RUBBER BULLETS?" Vash demanded. He began to panic, and picked up the dining room table, and seemed about to throw it when Mikeru shouted "Just think of all the money you'll be wasting!"  
Seconds later, the table was back in place and Vash was grumbling in German.

Everyone was back on the subject of dinner.  
"My offer to cook amazing French cuisine still stands, enfants." Francis said, instantly changing into a chef's uniform and a pink apron that said 'Embrassez le Cuisinier', or 'Kiss the Cook'.  
"Veee!" Feliciano squealed, "I still want to make some pasta!"  
"This is so ridiculous." Chun said, "Everyone else obviously wants Chinese food."  
"Speak for yourself." Vash scoffed, "I'll choose French food over chink food any-"  
He was cut off by Mikeru squirting him in the face with a spray-bottle filled with water.  
"No! Bad Switzerland! I won't have any racist terms in my household."  
"But I was just-"  
_Squirt._  
"Hey, I-"  
_Squirt._  
"Seriously-"  
_Squirt._  
"What if-"  
_Squirt._  
"Can I just SAY SOMETHING?"  
Mikeru attempted to spray Vash once more, but discovered that he was out of water. "Be right back." he said, scurrying off to the kitchen to refill the bottle.  
"Okay, okay!" Vash called after him, "I don't care what we eat!"  
Poking his head back through the archway, Mikeru nodded sternly.  
"A'ight." Mikeru said, assessing the situation. "Let's settle this the mature way."

[_Some time_later...]

Everyone cheered as dinner was finally served in the dining room, Chun coming out of the kitchen with two large plates balanced one her hands.  
"Should've picked scissors..." Francis muttered angrily.  
"Oh, I don't know." Anya said in a creepy voice, somehow hearing him. "I think it's nice that Chun made us dinner."  
The temperature in the room instantly dropped about twenty degrees, and everyone else simultaneously shivered.  
Everyone ate their fill, and Matthew volunteered to do the dishes with Mikeru.

"It must be hard for you, living all by yourself." Matthew said to the boy as they washed some plates.  
"Not really." Mikeru replied, his eyes closed. "I just keep a howitzer in the attic and people leave me alone."  
Matthew sweatdropped, and chuckled.  
"I'm bloody serious." Mikeru said, looking Matthew in the eye.  
An uneasy silence came between them.  
"Who are you?" Kumajirou, who was sitting on the counter nearby, asked Matthew.  
"I'm Canada." he replied.  
"No you aren't." Mikeru said bluntly, his eyes closed again.  
"What do you mean? I'm the personification of Canada!"  
"You're Matthew Williams."  
"Oh..."  
There was another uneasy silence for a moment, and Mikhail absentmindedly began singing to the tune of 'Tik Tok' by Ke$ha.

"_I'm mad, really bad,  
But don't tell my mum & dad,  
Pucker up, kiss my butt,  
Cuz I'm bloody flipping nuts,  
Hear the bass, skinny waist,  
Now let's copy poker face, like  
Whoa woa oh oh, Whoa woa oh_oh!"

Matthew just stared as Mikeru continued, but this time just humming the tune. They were done by the time Mikeru realized what he was doing. He opened his eyes and stared back at Matthew for a moment before shrugging. "Sorry - I guess I'm just used to being alone."

The two went into the living room, where everyone else was amusing themselves in some way or another - Alfred was watching a horror movie and clinging to a pillow, even though the lights were on, Francis and Feliciano were taking a nap, Chun seemed to be meditating while Anya sat uncomfortably close to her with a vicious look in her eyes, Vash was cleaning his handguns. Mikeru and Matthew plopped down on either side of Alfred and began watching the movie with him.

Then all hell broke loose.

Several men came careening through the windows, dressed in black uniforms and body armor, toting assault rifles. Vash freaked out and began firing harmless rubber bullets at them, Alfred let out a high-pitched scream uncharacteristic of a hero (in the movie, the monster had just eating a man's head), Chun leaped to her feet and assumed a kung-fu stance, and Anya pulled a lead pipe out of nowhere.

"Bloody hell!" Mikeru screamed. "The CIA finally caught on!"  
He proceeded to jump behind the couch.  
"I don't think they're CIA, Mikeru." Matthew said.  
"Say wha'?" Mikeru replied, poking his head out. "I already told Lau: the order will be ready when it's ready! If I order too many parts a once, I look suspicious!"  
"I don't think they work for this Lau guy either."  
Mikeru glared as Chun, Anya, and Francis were forcibly dragged out of the shattered window. He sprung into action, leaping over the couch and pulling a shotgun from absolutely nowhere. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?" he shouted, tackling a man and aiming the gun at his head.  
He heard guns cocking, and instantly three rifles were aimed at _his _head.  
"We're simply reclaiming property, sir." a man said. Now that Mikeru saw them up close, he saw a small logo on their body armor that looked familiar. This was the company that sold him the Hetalia units!  
"I payed good money for those units!" Mikeru shouted.  
"You'll be re-compensated in full, if you so choose. These 'fem' units weren't supposed to be released on the market for another year. We're just switching them out with their 'male' counterparts. All experiences you've had with the confiscated units will be remembered by the new ones."

Through the windows came two boxes labeled 'Wang Yao Unit' and 'Ivan Bragiinski Unit'.  
"Did you really have to use the window? The door is just a few feet away." Mikeru snapped.  
"Sometimes units are very protective of their buyer. We were just taking precautions. You'll be compensated."  
"Wait!" Matthew shouted. "Why did you take Francis?"  
"You hear something?" a mercenary asked another.  
"Nope - probably just the wind."  
"I said, WHY DID YOU TAKE FRANCIS?" Matthew shouted at the top of his lungs (which admittedly wasn't very loud).  
"Oh, hey, that's an Alfred F. Jones unit." a mercenary said, finally noticing Matthew. "Good choice, kid."  
"Hey!" Mikeru snapped, cocking the shotgun, "That's a Matthew Williams unit! And what did you do with the Francis Bonnefoy unit?"  
"Oh! That one. We've been getting customer complaints of molestation and rape by those units, so they've all been recalled."  
An awkward silence consumed the room for a moment. "WHEW!" Mikeru shouted, "Dodged a bullet there!"  
"Until further notice, that unit has been exchanged with a 'Kiku Honda' unit."  
Several flash-bangs went off at once, and the mercenaries were gone, the window repaired, a Wang Yao unit in a meditative position next to the couch, an Ivan Braginski unit looming over Wang, and a Kiku Honda unit standing next to Mikeru, looking confused.

Everyone was silent for a moment, before Mikeru reasoned, "Time for bed!", chucking his shotgun carelessly behind the couch. Vash's eyes lit up and he dashed for it before Mikeru could realize the consequences of what he had just done. He was stopped by Wang.  
"No. I don't think that's a good idea." Wang said, karate-chopping Vash on the head, and handing the shotgun back to Mikeru.  
Everyone tried to process that two of their comrades had just had their genders swapped, but quickly got over it.  
"Now." Mikeru said, slamming his hands down on the coffee table. "There are four bedrooms. Eight of us. Plenty of beds. Let's do this."  
Everyone spontaneously began debating about who was going to share a bedroom with who, though it wasn't _that _big of a deal because there were separate beds. No one had stopped to explain the situation to Kiku because Francis's memory of Mikeru had been transferred to him.  
After about twenty minutes of shouting, wrestling, biting, and Ivan being creepy, roommates were decided: Wang and Kiku, Ivan and Vash, Alfred and Feliciano, and Matthew and Mikeru. The only reason Alfred's roommate wasn't Matthew was because Matthew was so afraid of Alfred playing a mean prank on him in the middle of the night.

Everyone retired for the night, and soon not a creature stirred. Except for Vash, who was scouring the house for Mikeru's weapon stash. He would never find it though. Mikeru was too awesome for that.


End file.
